We were matched with an eleven-year-old boy named Jacob Paoletta. Unlike most of the boys in the program, Jacob lived with his father, but not his mother, who had left them two years earlier. The organization had had some trouble matching him for this reason, since it's their policy only to match boys with Big Brothers and girls with Big Sisters, and a little boy with a father presumably doesn't need a Big Brother as much as the fatherless boys. A Big Couple - which there are apparently not that many of - was pretty much perfect.

Jacob had some emotional problems. Abandonment issues, for one thing, since his mom had left (and taken his older sister and twin brother with her). He also suffered from ADHD, and don't let anyone tell you there's no such thing, 'cause I've seen it up close and personal. For Jacob, the meds were a godsend, although he didn't like taking them. Plus, of course, he was an adolescent male on the verge of puberty. Rough times lay ahead. Financially rough, too; his mother had been the breadwinner in the family, and his father Joey was struggling to make ends meet.

From the time of our match until we moved away early last year, we saw Jacob about twice a month for several hours at a time. The earlier visits tended to be Events: the zoo, Sci-Trek. One weekend we built and launched a model rocket, which was cool for me, too, since I'd never done it before either. But eventually we got to the point where it was cool to just hang out, and we would go out to eat or shop, and/or he would come over and play video games or watch movies or just visit with us. And also with Sean; he and Jacob had also become close, and even after Sean was no longer our housemate, he would often come over on Jacob days.

We tried to instill some of our values into Jacob. Jody was better at talking to him than I was, which should surprise exactly nobody. We mostly tried to convince him that there was no conspiracy against him, that his father was neither out to get him nor crazy (that, in fact, Jody and I agreed with his father on many of the sticking points), and in general to introduce him to the "enlightened" part of enlightened self-interest.

Jacob got better in school - he moved out of the special ed classes and into normal ones. He got into less trouble. He joined Little League. I'd like to say this was due to the positive influence of me and Jody, but Joey was a big part of it. He worked hard at hard jobs - first loading cargo, then moving up into meat department at Publix, all while also keeping a side job going where he would do hauling or handyman work. They moved into successively better houses in better neighborhoods, and I think that had a lot to do with it. Eventually, Joey got custody of the other two kids, and I'm sure being reunited with them was also a big help to Jacob.

Whatever the reasons, things were going pretty well by the time we moved away at the beginning of last year. Even though he was too old to really be a Little Brother anymore, the organization continued to ping us for updates on his progress, and they were generally good news. We stayed in touch, though we didn't see him as much because of the distance - and then because of Jody being pregnant with Chase.

Then there was a downturn. First, the accident - in May of 2005, while riding his bike to work, Jacob was struck by a car. His skull was fractured and he had to be airlifted to the hospital downtown. Jody and I went to see him as soon as he was awake; the next day I took a long lunch and drove back to the hospital. Joey had to work, so I stayed and walked around with Jacob as he was wheeled from test to test. I held his hand while the doctor surveyed the damage to his ear; he stood to lose some hearing, but it could have been a lot worse. I chastised him for not wearing his bicycle helmet.

He recovered, but more problems were on the horizon. He had several discipline issues in high school, and was suspected of doing drugs. After he was caught messing with a teacher's computer, he was expelled. Discipline problems continued in the alternate school, resulting in his eventual expulsion from there, too. In March, he was arrested for shoplifting. Last month, he accepted a gift of a stolen bike and wound up stuck in jail for several days. If we're going to take any credit for his earlier improvement, we have to take some responsibility for the problems, too. I can't help but feel that if we'd still been seeing him regularly we might have headed some of them off.

The jail time was when Jacob hit bottom and, to all appearances, started climbing back up. He started actually listening to his father. He held onto his job - his biggest worry about being in jail was that he'd lose it. He finished the tutoring series and got ready to go back to school next month - approvals obtained, paperwork all signed. Jacob was going to be back in school with everyone else after the Christmas break.

Atlanta Journal-Constitution story

Jacob Paoletta, 1989-2006

Edit: OK, I have turned off comments on this entry. The point was to share our all-too-brief experience with Jacob, not start a war in the comments thread. Everyone who knew and loved Jacob is in enough pain right now; we don't need to add to it. If you want to debate each other elsewhere, that's your call, but I'm not providing a forum. If you feel the need to continue the discussion with me, you may do so via email.

Update: Someone has set up a memorial site for Jacob over at God's Sweetest Angels.